The Secret Diary of Padma Illindra

also known as

the Complete Idiot's Guide to the Temple of Elemental Evil

First things first: I would just like to thank Geoff W for giving all of us the opportunity to unleash our inner munchkin in fun and destructive ways. Feedback is welcomed, especially if accompanied by large gifts of money and/or alcohol. With that out of the way....

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

The intrepid party members featuring in our tale are:

And last but not least,


[The story picks up after our heroes have just returned from a foray into the Temple of All-Consumption, where Coran and Jayse were killed I mean put to sleep in a fight with a greater elemental. This has prompted much soul-searching among some party members, less so among others.]

After our last foray, Herc announces he's popping off to Ireland for two weeks followed by a vacation in Melbourne. Must be having a crisis of confidence, poss. caused by cowering behind wizard during battle w/32' tall greater water elemental. Bottom line: party's frontline fighter has disappeared, must replace.

Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight. Not blade dancer yet.

Need to travel to Cormyr to enlist clerical aid in "waking up" Jayse, after he was "put to sleep" by said greater elemental. While there, put help wanted ad in local edition of Adventurer of Fortune (subtitle: "Journal of the Principled Mercenary").

Spend several days looking over resumes. Would you believe, two days? One day? An hour? Okay, six minutes staring at a bulletin board in a scummy tavern in Arabel. (Bulletin board v.slow, must suggest to proprietor that he should switch to Linux.) Find 2 promising leads: Duff the Doughty, fighter from the Dalelands, and Kondara Saravin, knight from Sunset Vale.

[Duff and Kondara are a couple of NPCs made up by your esteemed narrator, to tide the party over until the fighter gets back.]

Meet Duff. Tall, burly fighter. To break ice, make joke that his name sounds like a beer from somewhere. Duff says everyone tells him that. Oops.

Test Duff's skills in a duel, using wooden practice swords. Despite best imitation of Musashi, Duff kicks my butt. Duncan the teenage ninja is rolling eyes in corner. Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight.

Meet Kondara. Blond, blue-eyed Nordic type. Hate Kondara. Ice queen. Party insists we hire her anyway. What does she have that I haven't got?

On way back to Temple of All-Consumption, pass a town that's fallen into a hole and can't get out. Make comments about staying on the wagon. Not well received. Offer to help, but soldiers decline, saying we're not licensed to practice adventuring in Cormyr. The NRA will hear of this.

Not blade dancer yet.

Head back to Temple of All-Consumption. Meet giants guarding the way into dungeon. Offer them beads and trinkets in return for future site of New Amsterdam. After Brooklyn Bridge thrown in to sweeten deal, we are allowed to pass.

Walking through ruins of air temple, get ambushed by earth elemental horrors. Fought these creatures before, v.scary b/c they can drag victims into the earth. Duff gets severely beat on, looks slightly flatter than he did before. Fails to score a hit in return. Thinking of returning him, getting our money back. Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight.

Kondara is dragged down, has to eat her way out. Ha! That ought to muss her perfect hair. Eventually relent and summon a couple of small elementals to pull her out. Did I hear any gratitude? Of course not. Adding insult to injury, perfect hair is still perfect. Who does she think she is, an elf or something?

During fight, Duncan the teenage ninja says that he's going to whack the elemental in front of him. In spirit of party unity, announce that "I'm whacking my elemental RIGHT NOW!" Am threatened with violence from party members. These Faerunians are crazy.

Meet some remaining guards from the water temple. Duncan slices up a few, we capture the rest. Learn there is one surviving kuo-toa. Plan to make fish-head curry out of him. Need to find out where to get lemongrass and curry powder in Dalelands.

Not blade dancer yet.

Find 3' tall water mephit behind locked door. Mephit v.indignant at being interrupted, spits acid at me for 7 points of damage. Outrage!!!! Draw sword and attack, dealing 41 points of damage to 3HD mephit. Mephit explodes like popped water balloon. That will teach him to spit in my face. Pooh-pooh suggestions of "overreaction".

Begin assault on remaining water temple forces, barricaded on platform in middle of lake. Preparatory fireball barrage from 2 wizards + sorc goes well, sweeps landing zone clear of defenders. No such thing as too much firepower, I always say. Set off across lake on dinghies serving as landing craft. Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight.

Jayse the wizard sees poss. movement, casts Evard's black tentacles on the LZ to deal w/stragglers. Cannot help but think this is like seeding a beach w/mines before sending troops in. Not expert on amphibious warfare (need sea spirit folk for that), but pretty sure that SOP calls for clearing beach of mines, not laying them. Jayse sucks.

Shock! Bombardment has not destroyed all opposition. Wizard and cleric appear on platform, summon a huge (32' tall) water elemental. V.impressive. Towers over our puny dinghies, like a schooner glass towers over cardboard figures on a battlemat. Jayse comes to the rescue, casting a dispel magic that sends the beast back from whence it came. Jayse rocks.

Enemies not done yet. They cast shatter spells on our landing craft, smashing them to bits. Fighters in full plate start sinking like stones. Forced to summon celestial shark to rescue Duff and fight off skum that are swarming us. As if that wasn't bad enough, must now make opposed landing on platform full of Evard's black tentacles, thanks to dumbkaka party wizard. Jayse sucks.

Jayse casts levitate, sending Kondara up into the air and out of the fight, with him hanging on to her for dear life. Jayse rocks.

Kondara seems to be taking a long time to float over to the platform. Don't know what could be holding her up, so to speak. Can't be very comfy at all, to have the party wizard clinging to her lower regions all that time. If I didn't know better, I'd think she fancied him, the b*tch.

Duncan the teenage ninja swims to the platform, where he is promptly grabbed by one of the tentacles. It starts squeezing the life out of him. Duncan squeals like a stuck pig, or maybe a stuck hobbit.

Galadhriel with an H, the sorceress with huge Charisma, zots tentacle w/magic missile. Duncan cartwheels over to cleric and wizard and starts ginsu-emulation routine. Much bloodletting ensues.

Use ring of jumping to launch myself out of water, on to platform 30' away. Needing springboard, manage to find one in Coran's head. Lots of style points, if I do say so myself. That will show Kondara who's the true mistress of panache around here.

Execute marvellous backflip-tumble-twist 25' through the air, but stuff up landing completely on account of being snagged by Evard's black tentacle. V.ignominious. Hope Kondara wasn't watching. Jayse sucks.

Meanwhile Brat the necromancer throws rope + grappling hook to Coran, who is doing v.good impression of anchor. Scores direct hit, dongs Coran on head. Sounds of polite applause from skum who are fighting him.

Galadhriel with an H magic missiles tentacle again, freeing me. Drop to platform and immediately engage cleric in melee. In moment of triumph, Duff charges over and STEALS MY KILL, the b*stard. Some people have no manners at all.

Enemy wizard gets sudden attack of the willies (poss. caused by all his allies being dead), casts invisibility on himself and summons bear from hell. Duncan the teenage ninja immediately turns bear into sushi; while he's occupied, step over and deal killing blow to wizard, thanks to Blind-Fight ability. Don't know why Duncan's muttering about kill-stealers. All's fair in love and war, right?

Finish off remaining skum + kuo-toa, and find lesser key of water on cleric's body. Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight. Low on spells, healing and hit points, so make camp for the night.

Not blade dancer yet.

During first watch, we are attacked by elemental terrors of void. Invisible, incorporeal creatures that suck your mind away and drive you mad. Reminds me of time I got into alignment debate w/party.

Jayse, unable to intervene in this conflict due to 1) inability to see invisible creatures; 2) terminal lack of boom spells, casts displacement on me. This saves me from at least two direct hits from terrors, leaving me in full control of faculties. Jayse rocks.

Brathariel the necromancer, reduced to equivalent Wisdom of a gelatinous cube, drops his pants and moons the terrors. They fly right through his butt and out the other side. Scream out "Get away from him! His butt is MINE!!!" Start questioning real extent of control over my faculties.

Finally deal with mess left behind by void terrors. Must now deal with mess left behind by Brat, who is voiding bowels in corner while singing "I'm a little teapot". Talk about terrors of the void, sigh. Reminder to self: use Smite ability next time I get into a fight.

On way out of dungeon, meet up again with giants at entrance. Brat demands they take back what they said about his mother. Confuses giants badly b/c they haven't said anything yet. Infuriated at this, proceeds to teach them a lesson by casting scintillating sphere at ground zero. Painful. Infuriated at this, proceeds to teach himself a lesson by casting 2nd scintillating sphere at ground zero. V.painful. Giants finish him off, we finish off giants. As bonus, we get back our beads and trinkets.

Forgot to use Smite ability. Oh well.

Not blade dancer yet.


The story continues here!

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