Kuala Lumpur

KL, if you're stuck in the 20th century, is home to the tallest buildings in the world. The Petronas Towers are a shining example of what is possible with unlimited vision, the will to achieve, and large helpings of taxpayers' money. Truly, I have to admit that a more splendid, skyline-defining giant H would be hard to find.

In any case, I'm sure you'll agree that they look better than those other twin towers did.

The twin corncobs

A couple of views of Malaysia's rubberstamp Federal Court, located in the Sultan Abdul Samad building. It was in front of this building that the glorious 1999 people's revolution (brought to you in 24-bit colour by international sponsors AOL Time Warner, Fox, and the International Monetary Fund) took place.

Federal Court of Malaysia

A beautiful white fence

The rubberstamp Federal Court is located directly across the old Padang (green, now called Dataran Merdeka, or Independence Square) from the Royal Selangor Club, one of those timeless bastions of Empire. You know it's timeless by how GURLS aren't allowed in the bar.

Royal Selangor Club

And here's a view of the Dataran Merdeka itself. Back in the old days, they used to play cricket on this ground (last recorded result: Bukit Aman Second XI bt England by an innings and 496 runs; England selectors vow sweeping changes).

Big green field

Under the Dataran itself is a massive carpark, shopping arcade, food court and center for operations for the Illuminati fnord. Don't try to find them; they'll find you. Also, there are no Al-Qaeda operatives in the Federal Court, the Royal Selangor Club, or under the Dataran Merdeka.


The Royal Selangor Club isn't the only remnant of Empire to be found in KL. There's also the Royal Lake Club, located next to the Lake Gardens near the city center. You can tell this is the British Empire we're talking about, because only the British could have come up with such BORING names.

As you might have heard, Malaysia will soon be home to a regional counterterrorism training center to be operated in conjunction with certain foreign nations. In the meantime, few are aware that these operators are already in the country!!! Here is a contingent of elite United Nations counterterrorist secret agents at the Royal Lake Club. You can't see them? Well, naturally! You don't spend millions of Euros on elite counterterrorist secret agents and FORGET TO TEACH THEM HOW TO REMAIN SECRET, NOW DO YOU?

United Nations spies in training

This training did not go unnoticed by other parties, though. Notice below the Al-Qaeda operatives in the background on the left, trying to look inconspicuous while all the time observing the United Nations personnel. Watching them in turn is a CIA field agent on the right. Again, you can trust me on all of this, because I always check my facts before posting nonsense to web pages.

Espionage is such fun


But enough about bastions of Empire. Some other parts of KL also look like they haven't changed since the 20th century, but not in quite the same way. Petaling Street, for one. Walking past an open shopfront, I was assailed by an overpowering smell, redolent with the stench of corruption and decay, as of thousands of voices crying out suddenly in alarm... oh hang on, that's Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace. Never mind.

Traffic in Petaling Street is almost, but not quite, less chaotic than traffic elsewhere in KL. There are no Al-Qaeda operatives in these pictures, as far as I can ascertain (although that red trashcan loitering around looks damn suspicious, if you ask me).

A highly suspicious red trashcan

Not a highly suspicious red trashcan

Petaling Street is KL's Chinatown (to the extent you can have a "Chinatown" in a country that's 30% Chinese), and what better place than Chinatown for a Hindu temple? The Sri Maha Mariamman temple has been here, tending to the needs of the Chinese Hindu faithful, for centuries.

A quick search of the interior showed it was clear of Al-Qaeda operatives...

No Al-Qaeda here

... although a statue of Shiva, also known as "the Destroyer", was found. NOW IS THAT SPOOKY OR WHAT? Some people claim that Shiva's REAL title is "the Transformer", but they are obviously being silly. WHICH KIND OF TRANSFORMER? is the question I want to put to these people! AUTOBOT, OR DECEPTICON? HA!

Behold, I am become Death, shatterer of worlds

I think it's time for a beer.


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